


You Lost

by rezi



Series: (Un)happy Ending [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bittersweet, Friendship, Gen, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 12:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/953284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Condesce won. What next?</p><p>Two sweeps have passed since her victory. Her Imperious Condescension has claimed absolute power; Jane now wears the empressarial crown; Jade keeps the world living in fear.</p><p>But four friends cling together despite it all. And sometimes, everything's alright.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow got from the mental image of Karkat as Gordon Ramsay to... _this._ This mental leap continues to confuse me no end.
> 
> While I'm boggling at my own thought processes, hope you enjoy the story.

> Be the conjurer.

You are now Roxy Lalonde.

This is the time of day you'd be "entertaining" Her Condescension Jane Crocker, usually consisting of her forcing you to conjure things for her. But she's still in her bedroom and still in a sulk. She's sent you away for the time being, not wanting you in her sight after the little argument you had there. And by little argument, you mean her throwing an overblown tantrum over something you physically can't do.

You wish you could cut your ex-BFFsy some slack, but that sure ain't happening. Empressarial duties (meaning making everyone do what she wants and doing no work herself) have turned her into a spoilt brat. Even you, always trying to see the good in people, can see there's no good left in her.

Never mind. Being kept out of her sight was exactly what you needed. You arranged a little rendezvous today, in a place you call The Void. It's a nice, quiet place for the Robin Hood of Fuckall to _do_ fuckall. To chill out for a while and not be yelled at to conjure something every two seconds.

Time to meet up with the few friends you still have.

ROXY: k voidy bubble is go  
ROXY: yall can come in now  
KARKAT: (don't speak so loudly!)  
KARKAT: (there was a guard literally just passing by!)

> Be the chef.

You are now Karkat Vantas.

Your voice is even hoarser now than it was back in the game, herding that flock of shitbags through your minefield of a session. Ha, those days were a _breeze_. If a monster was causing you trouble, a few swishes of a sickle would end that. There's no ending this.

You might even be missing your old team, despite their almost unanimous douchebaggery. At least some of them had a few fucking cells to constitute a think pan. _These_ morons can barely tell grubloaf from grub sauce.

No wonder you were appointed head chef.

Okay, maybe it's not that bad. You're a lot better at cooking than you thought you would be, especially after all the practice you've had to have. Two sweeps cooking for the original Condesce, known as Her Fabulous Divinity since she attained godhood, means you know to make everything perfect out of spite. She _hates_ it when she can't find any excuse to reprimand you. To think you used to idolize her.

Well, you're off duty for now. You can finally go to the one place where you know she won't bother you at any given moment. Your friends can bother you instead. At least they're better than your idiotic subordinates.

ROXY: man just chillax  
ROXY: voidy powers  
ROXY: no one gonna hear  
KARKAT: I THINK YOU PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN THOSE POWERS.  
ROXY: but ur talking loudly as usual now  
ROXY: so a  
ROXY: you either trust as much as i do  
ROXY: or b  
ROXY: u just dont give a fuck  
ROXY: or c  
ROXY: ur just a liiiiil bit slow in the think pan  
ROXY: those r ur options kat  
ROXY: pick 1 and 1 only  
ROXY: 4 the billion boonbuck prize ;)  
KARKAT: FUCK, WHATEVER. I JUST NEED TO SIT DOWN.  
ROXY: me 2  
ROXY: so...  
ROXY: bad day?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: HOWEVER SLOW MY THINK PAN MIGHT BE, IT'S A GODDAMN RACEBUGGY COMPARED TO THE IMBECILES IN MY KITCHEN.  
KARKAT: THERE IS A LINE BETWEEN STUPIDITY AND SUPREME BULGE-NUMBING EMPTY-HEADEDNESS THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE CROSSED.  
KARKAT: AND EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF MY TEAM HAS PAIRED UP AND DONE THE FUCKING TANGO ALL OVER IT!  
ROXY: aww man  
KARKAT: SO HER DIVINITY WANTS A FULL-SCALE FEAST, RIGHT?  
KARKAT: REALIZED SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO CARE ABOUT KEEPING SLIM, AS SHE CAN JUST TRIM HERSELF DOWN WITH GODLY POWERS ANYWAY.  
KARKAT: SO GO ALL OUT, I TOLD THEM.  
KARKAT: AND THEY WENT ALL OUT ALRIGHT. THEY WENT ALL *FUCKING* OUT.  
KARKAT: ALL OUT ON MAKING A FEAST CONSISTING ENTIRELY OF SLIMMING FOODS AND YOGURT!!!!!  
ROXY: w t actual f???  
KARKAT: UGH, I KNOW  
KARKAT: STILL, WE HAD ABOUT AN HOUR LEFT, SO I MANAGED TO PULL SOMETHING RESEMBLING VAGUELY FATTY FOOD TOGETHER.  
KARKAT: I BET SHE'D TAKE IT AS AN INSULT IF WE'D GONE WITH THE SLIMMING STUFF. SHE HAS AN ALMOST IMMEASURABLE PROPENSITY FOR TAKING THINGS AS INSULTS, I SWEAR.  
KARKAT: PROBABLY BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE GETS TO GO ALL SASSY ON ME. WHICH I DON'T MIND, IT'S ONLY A LITTLE ANNOYING. BUT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE HER THAT SATISFACTION. PLUS SHE'D PROBABLY DO SOMETHING LIKE EVICT ME FROM MY HIVEBLOCK AGAIN.  
ROXY: yo breaking news: batterwitch is water bitch  
ROXY: txt it  
KARKAT: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.  
JAKE: Hey!  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU BROUGHT THE SPROG

> Be the emperor.

You are now Jake English.

And the baby just keeps on crying and crying and crying and the noise is giving you a sheer rotter of a headache and you're trying to cradle him in your arms and rock him till he calms down but he's just flailing all his little limbs all over the place and you can barely even hold him and you sure don't want to drop him because, despite being forced at forkpoint to conceive and now raise this child, you can't help but love the little tyke.

Jane doesn't want to be a mother, Jane just wants children. So you're the one who's lumped with the care of her little heir: day in, day out. To put it simply, you're not exactly having a ripsnorter of a time doing so.

Realizing it's almost the time you arranged for the meet-up, your panic level goes through the palace roof. You can't just leave him here! If Jane came in here to find her son crying all alone, who knows what she'd do to you?

Only one thing for it. He's coming with you. And if anyone asks, you were just taking the baby for a walk to help pacify him. Yes, that should work.

JAKE: Well he just wouldnt clam up!  
JAKE: And i couldnt leave him there could i?  
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM CRYING!  
KARKAT: PUT HIM TO SLEEP OR SOMETHING. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?  
ROXY: kk leave him  
KARKAT: OH, FINE.  
KARKAT: I'M TOO TIRED FOR IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW.  
ROXY: yo jake did you just say clam up  
JAKE: I did?  
JAKE: Augh!  
JAKE: Stupid lousy infectious fish puns.  
ROXY: ikr  
ROXY: woulda been ridic funny if nice jane picked em up  
ROXY: fuckin irritating now  
KARKAT: JAKE, YOUR WIGGLER IS STILL WAILING, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.  
JAKE: I dont know what to do!  
JAKE: If youre so ticked off by him then YOU try looking after him!  
KARKAT: MOTHERFUCKER, I AM NOT EVEN THE SAME SPECIES AS YOUR WEIRD LITTLE WIGGLER SPAWN. DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THE ONE TO ASK HERE?  
ROXY: KARKLES  
ROXY: lay off him  
KARKAT: UGH.  
ROXY: dw ill handle this  
ROXY: gimme tha bb  
JAKE: Ok.  
ROXY: ooooover he goes  
ROXY: here u go lil kiddo  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: uh  
ROXY: how do babies work  
ROXY: whys he gotta move so much???  
ROXY: oh fuck!  
ROXY: no kid i am not a goddamn kidnapper!!  
ROXY: you aint gotta run way from me like that!!!  
ROXY: no no no wat u doin...  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: jake i think ur bb just learnt how 2 crawl  
ROXY: aw look at him go!  
ROXY: :3  
KARKAT: CAN WE JUST LEAVE HIM?  
KARKAT: CRAWLING AROUND LIKE THAT?  
KARKAT: HE SEEMS PRETTY HAPPY EXPLORING IN HERE.  
ROXY: adventurin  
ROXY: like his daddy  
JAKE: :)  
JAKE: I should keep a hold of him though.  
JAKE: So he doesnt wriggle his way into getting hurt somehow.  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT COULD HE EVEN GET HURT ON.  
KARKAT: WE ARE IN A VOID. THE ENTIRE PLACE IS PERMEATED WITH THE ESSENCE OF ABSOLUTE JACK SHIT.  
ROXY: mr paternal instinct here probs knows whats best  
ROXY: best thing is u dont eat him  
ROXY: hehe  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE ACTUAL, CERTIFIABLE FUCK?  
KARKAT: IS THAT A NORMAL THING FOR HUMANS?  
ROXY: injoke  
ROXY: "jake no what r u doin 2 r bb"  
JAKE: Haha!  
ROXY: that shit was my phone bg n all  
JAKE: Those sure were the days.  
KARKAT: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING ON ABOUT.  
KARKAT: BUT ENGLISH, THE POINT STILL STANDS THAT YOUR  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: "SON"  
KARKAT: IS A FUCKING MENACE.  
JAKE: Hes a little rascal isnt he?  
KARKAT: YEP.  
KARKAT: ALSO, YOUR HUMAN REPRODUCTION IS SO FUCKED UP, WHAT THE HELL.  
KARKAT: I IMAGINE TINY HUMAN BEINGS EMERGING FROM A HOLE IN THE FEMALE'S ABDOMINAL REGION AND IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL SICK.  
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU EVEN MANAGE TO HAVE CHILDREN WITHOUT BEING PERMANENTLY MENTALLY SCARRED FROM THE SHEER MONSTROSITY OF IT ALL?  
JAKE: Yes well i dont exactly want to do this do i???  
ROXY: we try not 2 think bout it  
ROXY: also 4 the record ur troll grubmaking shit is way gross yo  
KARKAT: WHATEVER.  
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO ARGUE.  
KARKAT: AND NOW FOR A MORE PRESSING MATTER.  
KARKAT: KANAYA, WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

> Be the seamstress.

You are now Kanaya Maryam.

If you'd been given free reign to design these, perhaps they might have turned out half-decent. But no. The Empress is sticking firmly to her "iron oven mitt" policy, occasionally even coming in to poke around and ensure the mitt isn't slipping. She assures every item you make for her husband is as simultaneously exposing and embarrassing as possible and that every item you make for her is perfectly in line with her fashion tastes. You would have no problem with the latter, were her tastes not also muddied by those of Her Fabulous Divinity. 

Suffice to say, you never want to see a sparkle again.

You do manage to indulge your own tastes when she's not snooping around. More elegant clothes for yourself and sufficiently clothing garments for the emperor himself, by personal request. It's a welcome reprieve. Yes, using your time off from making clothes to make more clothes isn't exactly what most people would think of as taking a break, but it works for you.

It's not all bad. Though being allowed outside would be nice. You're either stuck in here or, during mating season, enclosed underground in the breeding caverns; you haven't seen the sun in sweeps.

At least you have company, from time to time. This so happens to be one of those times. Finding clothes to change into out of your utilitarian work clothes and the emperor's own request, you prepare to go meet them.

KANAYA: You Appeared To Be Entrenched In Something And I Wished Not To Intrude Until A More Appropriate Time  
KARKAT: INTERFERE ALL YOU WANT, IT'S NOT AS IF THERE'S ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY IMPORTANT GOING ON IN HERE.  
ROXY: hopy shit i did not even notice u there  
ROXY: maaan troll vampires are stealth MASTERS  
KANAYA: I Apologize For My Slight Tardiness  
KANAYA: I Had To Gather My Various Accoutrements  
KANAYA: And Yours  
KANAYA: Jake I Hope These Garments Are To Your Satisfaction  
JAKE: Trousers!  
JAKE: I havent worn trousers in years!  
KANAYA: Are You Thankful For The Opportunity To Do So Or Would You Prefer One Of The Alternatives I Have Stashed Away In Here  
JAKE: No no these are fintastic!  
KANAYA: Fintastic  
JAKE: Gadzooks i did it again didnt i?  
JAKE: Fantastic.  
JAKE: Thanks a million.  
KANAYA: You Appear To Have Your Human Grub Equivalent With You  
KANAYA: Should I Take Him Off Your Hands For The Time Being  
KANAYA: Whilst You Clothe Yourself In Something More Appropriate  
JAKE: Thatd be great!  
JAKE: Here you go...  
JAKE: Dont watch me changing!  
KARKAT: JAKE, YOU HABITUALLY WEAR NOTHING EXCEPT A PAIR OF SPARKLY HOT PANTS. AND SOMETIMES TORSO GREASE.  
JAKE: Yes and?  
ROXY: point is theres not rly much point us lookin away  
ROXY: we have seen p much every inch of ur hot bod  
KARKAT: AND WHERE ELSE WOULD WE LOOK? THIS VOID ISN'T MUCH ROOMIER THAN A WARDROBIFIER.  
KARKAT: WE'RE PRETTY MUCH DESTINED TO GET AN EYEFUL WHICHEVER WAY WE TURN.  
JAKE: Oh alright.  
JAKE: It doesnt matter then.  
KARKAT: (fuck, when he bends over like that...)  
KARKAT: (i can't tear my eyes away!)  
ROXY: (ikr)  
ROXY: (dat ass)  
ROXY: (janes a lucky bitch)  
JAKE: Now hold up just one flipping minute!  
JAKE: I can hear you prattling away about my ass down there!  
JAKE: I know theres not many other places to look but could you just avert your peepers from my caboose for ONE SECOND!  
JAKE: Its bad enough being eyed up by jane all day without you two hopping on the ogling bandwagon as well.  
JAKE: And im sorry but ive had more than enough of this.  
JAKE: Can i be more than just a hot bod for once?  
ROXY: whoa damn ok  
ROXY: sry j  
KARKAT: YEAH, BRO. SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
KARKAT: UH...  
KARKAT: WE'RE STILL FRIENDS, RIGHT?  
JAKE: Yes of course we are!  
JAKE: I dont appreciate being with my friends and just getting the same old can of worms i get normally.  
JAKE: But yes karkat were still bros.  
JAKE: Youre a real card.  
KARKAT: OK  
KARKAT: I THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING  
JAKE: Kanaya ill have him back now.  
KANAYA: Must You  
JAKE: Yes please!  
KANAYA: Alright  
KARKAT: HE'S STOPPED CRYING!  
KANAYA: He Appears To Be At Ease In My Arms  
KANAYA: Perhaps Caring For Children Is Just Something Im Genetically Predisposed To  
KANAYA: Of Course Overseeing The Birth Of The New Troll Race  
KANAYA: Accelerated Though That May Have Been  
KANAYA: Undoubtedly Contributed To My Mothering Ability Somewhat  
JAKE: Well hes my kid so can i have him back now?  
KANAYA: Certainly  
KANAYA: Your Highness  
KARKAT: SO WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM?  
KARKAT: DID YOU LOOK UNDER THE "J" SECTION OF THE GRUB NAMES LIST?  
JAKE: Jane named him.  
JAKE: Hes called jabe.  
ROXY: oh em f'ing gee  
ROXY: lol!!  
KARKAT: WHY AM I NOT SUR-FUCKING-PRISED.  
KARKAT: ONE DAY, YOU'LL HAVE AN ARMY OF OFFSPRING, ALL CALLED THINGS LIKE JACE AND JAFE AND JAGE, ALL THE WAY DOWN TO JAZE. TWO DOZEN PERFECT LITTLE CLONES OF YOU AND HER IMPERIOUS CONDESCENSION MARK II.  
JAKE: Gulp!  
JAKE: Yeah i think im fine with just jabe here thanks.  
JAKE: Sure is a live wire isnt he?  
KANAYA: Apologies And Sympathy In Advance In Case You Were Not Aware Of This But  
KANAYA: Isnt She Expecting Another  
KANAYA: Her Measurements Have Been Widening  
KANAYA: The Waistband Specifically  
KANAYA: Forgive Me If Im Wrong But Doesnt That Area Generally Expand During The Human Gestation Period  
ROXY: yea an shes been feeling all queasy  
ROXY: wanted me 2 make her better right away which i literally cant do???  
ROXY: like im not some wizard  
ROXY: thatd be totes baller tho  
ROXY: wizardry <3  
ROXY: nah im just ur average conjurer yo  
ROXY: so then she snapped @ me and told me 2 gtfo  
ROXY: but yeah shes probly poppin out another wiggler in a few months  
JAKE: Double gulp!  
ROXY: gl jake  
KARKAT: YEAH, BRO.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW...  
KARKAT: DOESN'T THE ORIGINAL CONDESCE HATE HUMAN REPRODUCTION OR SOMETHING?  
KARKAT: WHICH I DON'T BLAME HER FOR.  
KARKAT: BUT I WAS SURE THAT WAS A THING.  
ROXY: nvr stopped being a thing  
ROXY: her dear sweet precious heiress does what she wants  
ROXY: the bitch wont stop her  
ROXY: ugh workin for her sux  
ROXY: kinda wishin i could void up a booze bottle or 2  
JAKE: (no!)  
KANAYA: Roxy  
ROXY: yeah...  
KANAYA: You Mustnt  
ROXY: yea yea i kno  
ROXY: just gna make things worse  
ROXY: booze dont exist in this world so itd be something i could void up?  
ROXY: but nope  
JAKE: (I told you not to bother me while i was in here!)  
ROXY: guess my voidy power wont let me  
ROXY: cos i really dont wanna go there again  
KANAYA: Thats A Good Thing  
KANAYA: Ive Had More Than My Fair Share Of Dealing With Human Alcoholics And It Only Causes Pain For Everyone  
ROXY: ikr  
KANAYA: So Forgive Me If I Would Rather Not Go Through That Again With You  
JAKE: (im kind of in the middle of somefin here so can you keep it down you pesky phantom!)  
KARKAT: YOU STILL MISS HER, DON'T YOU.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW. YOUR *OTHER* HUMAN ALCOHOLIC.  
KANAYA: I Tell Myself Ive Moved On  
KANAYA: But Yes I Do  
JAKE: (youre not really him and all youre making me do is wish the real him was here!)  
KANAYA: The Constant Reminders Do Nothing To Help  
ROXY: well sry 4 lookin so much like my mom  
KANAYA: I Didnt Mean  
KANAYA: I Just  
KANAYA: Ok  
KANAYA: You Are In No Way The Inferior Lalonde  
KANAYA: I Just  
KANAYA: Wish I Could Have Saved Her  
ROXY: yeah i know  
KANAYA: And Though I Wouldnt Wish This Torment Upon Her  
KANAYA: I Could Do With Her Companionship  
ROXY: me 2 :(  
KARKAT: WE'RE ALL MISSING SOMEONE.  
JAKE: (DIRK JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!)  
KARKAT: UH.  
KARKAT: JAKE, DID YOU JUST CALL THE BABY DIRK?  
JAKE: What?  
JAKE: No no uh that was something else.  
KARKAT: HEY, I GET THAT YOU'RE MISSING HIM DUDE.  
JAKE: Dont worry about it ok!  
KARKAT: OK, FINE.  
KANAYA: Are You Continuing To Have Trouble With The Royal Wiggler By Any Chance  
JAKE: I see why you call em wigglers.  
JAKE: Cod dammit the little monster wont stop squirming!  
JAKE: At least hes not crying now though.  
KANAYA: Could You Possibly Pass Him To Me Again  
KANAYA: Perhaps I May Have Further Luck  
JAKE: Alright then.  
JAKE: Heres the little tiddler for you.  
JAKE: Oh thats just not cricket!  
JAKE: He sleeps like a log as soon as hes in your arms!  
KARKAT: AT LEAST HE'S ASLEEP.  
JAKE: Well thats something at least.  
JAKE: Lord knows its a hassle getting that young fellow any shuteye!  
JAKE: Say kanaya my old chum do you reckon we should switch roles?  
JAKE: You look after the nipper like youre so good at and ill have a bash at stitching the old accoutrements.  
JAKE: Im sure it cant be that hard! Its just a needle and thread. Cant be that much of a task to get to grips with eh?  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: Aside From You Obviously Being The Perfect Candidate For Royal Seamstress  
KANAYA: Taking Into Account Your Obvious Lifetime Of Experience And Natural Ability  
JAKE: But i havent even tried it yet!  
ROXY: (yo jake thats what she means)  
JAKE: (oh. Really? Ok.)  
KANAYA: As I Was Saying  
KANAYA: I Doubt Wed Be Allowed  
KANAYA: First Of All Wed Have No Choice But To Reveal Our Numerous Clandestine Meetings In The Process Of Even Proposing Such A Swap  
KANAYA: Leading To Their Immediate Cessation And I Should Imagine Severe Penalties For Us All  
KANAYA: And Of Course There Remains The Matter Of Your Other Duties Which I Would Be Replacing You With  
KANAYA: As Much As Im Absolutely Sure Our Noble Empress Would Be Delighted To Find Her Usual Reproductive Partner Replaced With One Not Only Of A Different Species But Also Of A Gender I Doubt She Would Particularly Wish To Undergo Reproductive Activities With  
KANAYA: Doing So Would Likely Render Such Reproductive Activities Much More Difficult And Certainly Fruitless In Terms Of Producing Young  
JAKE: Ah yes.  
JAKE: Pragmatic as ever miss maryam.  
JAKE: Still i think youve got it pretty good!  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU HEARD JADE LATELY?  
ROXY: p much impossible not 2  
ROXY: girl keeps howlin  
ROXY: thinks shes a fuckin werewolf or some shit  
JAKE: Shes really got her tit in a wringer right now!  
JAKE: Even crankier than jane!  
ROXY: ... :O  
ROXY: is she preggers 2  
KANAYA: I Dont Think So  
KARKAT: ROXY, PLEASE.  
KARKAT: THE ONLY HUMAN MALE AROUND TO EVEN MAKE THAT POSSIBLE IS JAKE HERE.  
KARKAT: AND UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN ENGAGING IN STEAMY SEXUAL SCENARIOS WITH YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER OR MOTHER OR DAUGHTER OR WHATEVER WEIRD HUMAN FAMILIAL RELATION YOU ARE TO EACH OTHER, I DOUBT SHE'LL BE PRODUCING ANY SMALLER VERSIONS OF HERSELF ANY TIME SOON.  
JAKE: Um...  
ROXY: that  
ROXY: was not  
ROXY: a mental image i needed  
KARKAT: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR PUZZLING RELUCTANCE TO ENTER ANY SORT OF CONCUPISCIENT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR RELATIVES?  
KARKAT: THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING I SEE THAT COULD BE WRONG WITH THAT????  
ROXY: kar  
ROXY: no  
JAKE: Please can we stop talking about me and jade like that?  
JAKE: I really really dont like it!  
KARKAT: AND HERE YOU GO AGAIN! UNWILLING TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE, AND PRESENTING ME WITH ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON FOR DOING SO!  
ROXY: just no  
KANAYA: Karkat I Believe It Would Be Best To Venture Away From That Specific Subject  
KANAYA: For Everybodys Sake  
ROXY: yes plz  
KARKAT: FINE!  
KARKAT: FUCKING FINE.  
KARKAT: ANOTHER MYSTERY GOES UNSOLVED, DUE TO HUMANS' INFINITE CAPACITY TO BE CAGIER THAN THE PALACE PRISON.  
KARKAT: THEY MAY AS WELL RETIRE THAT PRISON ENTIRELY, IN FACT! AND JUST REPLACE IT WITH THESE TWO FINE SPECIMENS OF MANKIND DISPLAYED HERE.  
KARKAT: NOT A SINGLE FUCKING LETTER OF ACTUAL INFORMATION I MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW IS EVER MAKING A JAILBREAK FROM THEM!  
KARKAT: NOT. FUCKING. *ONE*.  
ROXY: lol @ karkat rn!  
KARKAT: I KNOW, I CAN LITERALLY HEAR YOU.  
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT THE INTERNET. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ANNOUNCE EVERYTHING YOU DO IN ASTERISKS AND ABBREVIATIONS.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE - SURPRISE SURPRISE! - I HAVE EYES! THAT I CAN SEE YOU WITH!! HOW FASCINATING!!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE A THINK PAN WHICH IS QUITE CAPABLE OF PUTTING SIGHTS AND SOUNDS TOGETHER INTO WORKING OUT WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!  
KARKAT: I DO NOT NEED YOU TO ADD SPECIAL MORON NARRATION JUST IN CASE I DECIDED TO BE MENTALLY RETARDED FOR THAT ONE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
JAKE: Hahahahaha!  
JAKE: I think youre alright now buddy.  
ROXY: lol yea  
ROXY: throwin a tantrum over nothin  
ROXY: ur defs ok ;)  
KANAYA: Youve Woken Jabe  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
KANAYA: There There Sweetheart  
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU EVEN STAND ALL THAT SCREAMING WITHOUT WANTING TO SCREAM YOURSELF?  
KARKAT: A SCREAM DUET, FATHER AND SON. THE LOUD AND INTENSELY SHRILL FAMILY LEGACY.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I BET THIS IS WHAT'S DRIVING JADE UP THE WALL.  
JAKE: No shes too far away to hear it generally.  
KARKAT: TOO FAR AWAY TO HEAR THAT?  
KARKAT: PROBABLY EVEN PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD CAN HEAR *THAT*  
ROXY: shes usually up in the fancy pretty important people part of the palace isnt she  
ROXY: and ur in the basement rite  
JAKE: Yes thats the gist of our general positions.  
JAKE: Me and jabe are in the servants quarters unless jane wants to see us.  
KARKAT: THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS???????  
KARKAT: THEY'RE NOT EVEN *TRYING* TO PRETEND YOU'RE AN ACTUAL EMPEROR, RATHER THAN JUST ANOTHER SLAVE.  
JAKE: I wish i could have some bonafide power so i could shape this world up a bit nicer!  
KANAYA: Perhaps If You Acted As A Model Husband For A While  
KANAYA: You Could Maneuver Yourself Into A Favorable Position  
KANAYA: From Which She Might Allow You Some Privelige  
JAKE: Even then shed still always be telling me what to do!  
JAKE: She thinks a model husband is one that does anything she wants.  
JAKE: She only ever wants me to be powerless!  
JAKE: Im not an emperor or even a husband.  
JAKE: Im just another slave like karkat said.  
JAKE: And i want out.  
ROXY: we all do  
ROXY: how do you think it feels  
ROXY: when the girl who used to be ur best friend  
ROXY: just treats you like a fuckin piece of shit all the time  
ROXY: and makes you feel worthless beyond your ability to conjure up all the junk she wants  
KANAYA: Theyve Even Turned The Things I Like Doing Against Me  
KANAYA: They Force Me To Work On Project After Hideous Project In The Most Horrendously Cramped Of Conditions  
KANAYA: And Though I Treasure My Moments Of Freedom  
KANAYA: It Is Overall A Thankless Existence  
KANAYA: Ive Had Enough  
KARKAT: YEAH, WELL, AFTER HAVING TO LEAD A TEAM FOR SO LONG, WHAT DO I GET?  
KARKAT: ANOTHER *FUCKING* TEAM.  
KARKAT: AT LEAST MY OLD TEAM ACTUALLY FELT LIKE THEY WERE PEOPLE.  
KARKAT: THESE ONES ACT LIKE ROBOTS! EVERYONE'S TOO FUCKING SCARED TO SAY WHAT THEY THINK IN CASE A CERTAIN DOG GIRL TURNS UP AT THEIR HIVEBLOCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!  
KANAYA: Were Safe From Her Here  
KARKAT: YEAH, FOR WHAT, AN HOUR A DAY AT MOST? AND I BET NO ONE ELSE EVEN HAS THE GUTS TO TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS.  
KARKAT: SO EVERYONE JUST SIMMERS AWAY IN FEAR ON THEIR OWN. IT'S MESSED UP.  
KARKAT: I AGREE WITH YOU, KANAYA, I'VE HAD ENOUGH.  
ROXY: i think  
ROXY: what we all need  
ROXY: is a group hug  
ROXY: here and now  
KANAYA: Yes That Would Be Best  
KANAYA: Ill Just Lay Jabe To Rest Down Here  
JAKE: Count me in.  
JAKE: Please dont touch my ass though.  
ROXY: sure we wont j  
ROXY: thats a promise  
ROXY: all friends here  
ROXY: karks u in  
KARKAT: YEAH, SURE.  
KARKAT: I PROBABLY NEED THIS.  
ROXY: course u do  
ROXY: cmon big squish  
ROXY: cos we r the best fuckin friends in paradox space  
ROXY: and aint no condescending fucks gankin that from us  
ROXY: karkat come ooooon you call that a hug  
ROXY: ima squish u hardest now just 2 make up 4 all ur lame hugginess  
ROXY: theeeeeere ya go!  
ROXY: now u c THATS what i call a hug ;)  
ROXY: whoa jake u ok?  
ROXY: naya i think you might of squished him bit 2 much  
KANAYA: Sorry  
JAKE: No im fine that was great!  
KARKAT: SO AM I.  
KARKAT: THAT... HELPED A SURPRISING AMOUNT, ACTUALLY.  
ROXY: anytime karks <3  
ROXY: hang the fuck on  
ROXY: wat time is it  
ROXY: u got a watch rite  
KARKAT: YEAH. UH...  
KARKAT: 4:13.  
ROXY: shitshitshitshitshit  
ROXY: jane wanted me back by half past 4  
ROXY: and this is one fuckin big palace  
JAKE: You had betta get back soon then.  
JAKE: Better!  
KARKAT: BETTER?  
JAKE: Oh those two sound the same dont they?  
JAKE: Never mind then.  
KARKAT: ... RIGHT.  
ROXY: yup  
ROXY: bang bang bang!  
ROXY: three mighty bangs  
ROXY: where the fuck is a gavel when u need one  
ROXY: n e way  
ROXY: meeting adjourned  
KANAYA: When Shall We Arrange Our Subsequent Rendezvous For  
ROXY: lets do 4:13 2moz  
KARKAT: CAN WE...  
KARKAT: JUST...  
KARKAT: NOT THAT TIME, SPECIFICALLY?  
ROXY: :?  
KARKAT: IT... REMINDS ME.  
KARKAT: OF... SOM3ON3.  
KARKAT: AND THEY'RE KIND OF REALLY FUCKING PAINFUL MEMORIES.  
KARKAT: SO YEAH, LITERALLY ANY NUMBER BUT THAT.  
KANAYA: In Which Case Might I Suggest Five O Clock Sharp  
KANAYA: I Cannot Think Of Any Unwanted Memories That Might Stir Up  
ROXY: all cool  
ROXY: u know the drill  
ROXY: got 2 leave @ dif times  
JAKE: Wheres jabe?  
KARKAT: HE WRIGGLED OVER HERE.  
KARKAT: CLINGING TO MY LEG A BIT.  
KARKAT: I THINK HE LIKES ME, FOR SOME WHOLLY INDISCERNABLE REASON?  
ROXY: aww!  
ROXY: he knows ur a big softie really <3  
KARKAT: SOFTIE MY SPONGE CLOTS.  
KARKAT: EVERYONE KNOWS I'M A HARDENED WARRIOR, TOUGH WITH THE SCARS OF A THOUSAND BATTLES.  
KARKAT: CAN I HOLD HIM?  
KANAYA: How Very Toughened Of You  
KARKAT: TO, YOU KNOW, ASSESS HIS BATTLE PROWESS. AND FIND HIS WEAK POINTS, IN THE WAY THAT ANY *TOUGH HARDENED BATTLE WARRIOR* WOULD WITH HIS FOE.  
ROXY: sure  
JAKE: Excuse me mister vantas but you are not going to go all battle warrior on my baby!  
KARKAT: FINE, FUCK  
KARKAT: I JUST WANT TO HOLD HIM  
KARKAT: IS THAT SUCH A FUCKING CRIME??????????  
JAKE: Why didnt you say so?  
JAKE: If that was your intention all along then go ahead my good bro!  
KARKAT: OK I'LL  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: OHMYGODDIDYOUJUSTHEARTHAT  
KARKAT: THAT LITTLE HAPPY NOISE HE JUST MADE  
KARKAT: JAKE, HOW COULD YOU NOT HAVE TOLD ME HOW *FUCKING ADORABLE* YOUR BABY WAS?????????  
ROXY: guys  
ROXY: i think karkat made a friend  
KARKAT: NOT A FRIEND. HE SHALL BE MY SQUIRE, ONTO WHOM I MAY PASS ALL MY SWEEPS OF  
KARKAT: OHMYGODTHATLITTLESNEEZE  
KARKAT: DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT???  
KARKAT: THE WAY HIS TINY FACE JUST SQUISHED UP AND THEN THE *CUTEST* FUCKING NOISE YOU EVER DID HEAR  
KARKAT: LOOK LOOK LOOK HOW HE'S WAVING HIS ARMS AND LEGS ABOUT OH MY GOD HE'S SO FUCKING HAPPY I LOVE IT  
KANAYA: Obnoxiously Raucous At Times And Honestly Adorable At Others  
KANAYA: I Can Understand Why You In Particular Feel A Kinship With Him  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, JABE FUCKING OWNS.  
KANAYA: There Is No Argument Over That  
KANAYA: Well  
KANAYA: I Suppose As The Last To Arrive It Is Only Fitting That I Am The First To Leave  
KANAYA: Thanks Are As Always In Order For The Respite From My Drearliy Hideous Toil You Provided  
ROXY: no probs :D  
JAKE: And these trousers are most truly friggin excellent so thanks on that too.  
ROXY: cya!  
JAKE: I guess im pegged for leaving next.  
JAKE: So that means i will need jabe back at some point.  
KARKAT: YOU SAID YOU WERE IN THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS, RIGHT?  
JAKE: Yes.  
KARKAT: WHAT ROOM?  
JAKE: 111.  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK, I AM LITERALLY JUST A SET OF STAIRS BELOW YOU.  
KARKAT: HOW CAN WE HAVE NOT REALIZED THIS BEFORE????  
JAKE: Thats splendid you should come over for a chinwag or two!  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: AND JABE LIVES THERE TOO RIGHT  
JAKE: Yes you can come visit your noble young squire whenever you want!  
KARKAT: YAY!!!  
KARKAT: I MEAN  
KARKAT: YES, THAT WOULD BE  
KARKAT: FAIRLY CONVENIENT  
JAKE: Ill see you there at some point buddy yeah?  
JAKE: I should probably be making my way back there now.  
ROXY: take off ur clothes  
JAKE: What.  
ROXY: the ones kanny gave u  
ROXY: dont wanna b caught in those  
ROXY: be pretty fuckin awkward 2 explain  
JAKE: Ah yes. Roger that.  
JAKE: Ill stow these away in the old modus.  
JAKE: Cast your peepers away please?  
KARKAT: SURE.  
ROXY: gonna be no peekin this time k  
JAKE: Thanks a lot you are true friends.  
ROXY: (kake did u peek just then)  
KARKAT: (no!)  
KARKAT: (and how would you know unless you were peeking?)  
ROXY: (he aint told me not to look @ u)  
ROXY: (and damn u lookin good)  
KARKAT: (god dammit, close your eyes already!)  
KARKAT: (and could you at least save the flirting until he's gone???)  
ROXY: (gotcha)  
KARKAT: (oh god you're just going to be flirting non-stop as soon as he walks out that door now)  
ROXY: (what if i wasnt)  
ROXY: (what if u just gave me the idea)  
KARKAT: (you always have the idea.)  
ROXY: (my best idea)  
ROXY: (u liek it dont u)  
KARKAT: (i am indifferent to your idea.)  
ROXY: (psh that is a fuckin laugh)  
ROXY: (you aint indifferent 2 nothin)  
KARKAT: (oh? tell me, how do you know this?)  
ROXY: (cos ur you and u get so worked up bout literally everything)  
KARKAT: (bullshit.)  
ROXY: (yea right)  
ROXY: (like u with lil baby jabe)  
KARKAT: (if you're about to badmouth jabe, you can stop right there.)  
KARKAT: (jabe is the shit and you fucking well know it.)  
ROXY: (no)  
ROXY: (just sayin how u act round him)  
ROXY: (cause first off u were like "jake get ur devilspawn away from me" exclamation point exclamation point yell yell yell)  
ROXY: (and now ur like squiradopting him)  
ROXY: (nothing in between)  
KARKAT: (yes, i am fond of a small human being. oh how awful, i must be summarily executed for such a grave treason. the only fitting punishment is to be hanged by the neck until dead with my own bulge.)  
ROXY: (must have a pretty fuckin big bulge for that)  
ROXY: (how big?)  
ROXY: (*wonk*)  
KARKAT: (i told you to fucking save this for later!!!)  
ROXY: (ofc i know dont i)  
ROXY: (from our little)  
ROXY: (moment)  
ROXY: (*wonkwonkwonkwonkwonkwonkwonk*)  
KARKAT: (fffffffff)  
KARKAT: (jake is still here!!!!!)  
KARKAT: (i think?)  
KARKAT: (i can't tell with my eyes closed, god dammit!)  
KARKAT: (i don't want to open them in case he thinks i'm peeking?)  
ROXY: (hed take the bb if he was goin)  
KARKAT: (oh yeah)  
KARKAT: JAKE?  
JAKE: Youre done then?  
ROXY: wat  
JAKE: You appeared to be engaged in something and i didnt want to wade in and ask for my baby back until youd finished!  
JAKE: Itd be downright unchivalrous of me to interrupt two people who are so clearly...  
KARKAT: SO CLEARLY WHAT.  
JAKE: So clearly...  
JAKE: Engaged in a hearty chinwag!  
JAKE: So i let you carry on else id have to be a rotten douchenozzle to you both.  
ROXY: jake its fine  
KARKAT: YOU CAN HAVE JABE BACK, THEN.  
KARKAT: TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM, YEAH?  
JAKE: Sure bro.  
JAKE: And you can always pop round whenever its safe to do so!  
KARKAT: THANK YOU!!!  
JAKE: Goodbye!  
ROXY: bye jake  
ROXY: kark u r like a fuckin puppy w that lil babby  
ROXY: (n its rly cute <3)  
KARKAT: WHAT'S A PUPPY?  
ROXY: bb barkbeast  
KARKAT: OH YES? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I AM. I AM A MAJESTIC BARKBEAST OF WAR.  
ROXY: adorable barkbeast  
KARKAT: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.  
KARKAT: ... SHIT, LOADED PHRASE.  
ROXY: painful memries  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
ROXY: want nurse rolal 2 kiss it better  
KARKAT: THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE MOST CHEESY LINE YOU HAVE EVER USED ON ME.  
KARKAT: STRAIGHT OUT OF ONE OF THE VERY WORST ROMCOMS I'VE EVER FORCED MY LOOKSTUBS TO ENDURE.  
ROXY: thats why u love it  
KARKAT: MAYBE.  
ROXY: u luuuuv it  
ROXY: i can tell  
ROXY: ur smiling  
KARKAT: TRICK OF THE LIGHT.  
ROXY: u rrrrrrrrr  
KARKAT: CAN YOU CUT ALL THE BULLSHIT? IF YOU'RE GONNA KISS ME, KISS ME.  
ROXY: got it  
ROXY: 1 rolal smooch  
ROXY: comin up  
ROXY: mwah!  
ROXY: all bettr  
KARKAT: I WISH.  
ROXY: oh no  
ROXY: patient karkles is in a critical state  
ROXY: theres only 1 thing that can help him now  
ROXY: that is  
ROXY: operation hug  
ROXY: u ready  
ROXY: whoa!!!  
ROXY: that was 1 fuckin fierce hug  
ROXY: you is feisty!  
ROXY: damn son  
ROXY: yeeeea you hug it all out  
ROXY: cmon big squish  
ROXY: <3  
ROXY: now better?  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT HELPED.  
KARKAT: (:B  
ROXY: :)  
KARKAT: BUT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.  
ROXY: fuck that  
ROXY: you are a guy in need of some serious huggin  
ROXY: itd be a crime 2 deprive u  
KARKAT: NO, GO.  
KARKAT: JANE'S GOING TO WONDER WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.  
ROXY: i can say i was in the bathroom  
ROXY: no panic  
KARKAT: IF SHE THINKS THERE'S EVEN A *HINT* OF YOU LYING, SHE COULD ASK HER DIVINITY.  
KARKAT: AND YOUR VOID POWERS DON'T STOP HER FROM THINKING ABOUT US IF SHE DIRECTLY WANTS TO KNOW.  
KARKAT: IF JANE ASKS, SHE'LL KNOW, AND WE'RE ROYALLY BONED UP THE PROTEIN CHUTES FOR ETERNITY.  
KARKAT: SO GO!  
ROXY: FINE god  
ROXY: but u first  
KARKAT: NO, YOU'VE GOT LESS TIME. GO.  
ROXY: i got 2 maintain void bub  
ROXY: when i go it bursts  
ROXY: dont want the witch knowin ur here  
KARKAT: I CAN MANAGE  
ROXY: no that is stupid  
ROXY: u get out that door now  
KARKAT: CAN WE MEET AGAIN TONIGHT?  
ROXY: hm  
KARKAT: I COULD JUST REALLY DO WITH ANOTHER OF THESE.  
KARKAT: YOU AND ME.  
ROXY: can u do 11:11  
KARKAT: YEAH, NO PROBLEM.  
ROXY: k  
ROXY: u go now  
ROXY: ill go in a min  
ROXY: race to janey  
ROXY: its rolal vs the world here  
ROXY: cya then  
KARKAT: BYE.  
KARKAT: AND ROXY...  
ROXY: yea  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
ROXY: <3

**Author's Note:**

> This was one of the ideas I had and then just couldn't get rid of; couldn't write anything else until its completion (despite various setbacks...)
> 
> Did a LOT of headcanoning for this one. Feel free to ask about any extra details that take your fancy. :D
> 
> And sorry for the delay! My next upd8(s) shall be for Starsignstuck and/or Beforusbent, then I'll get back onto the rap battles (AlphaStarr's Jake vs. John is up next.)


End file.
